C'est La Vie

How does one stop being sad when sad is the only thing you feel?

How can the same issue bother over and over again when it’s been sworn off.

Why does my heart want what is’t meant to be?

How is it possible that I keep giving others chances and they crumple it up as if a mere toilet tissue and spit in my eye afterwards?

Why do I constantly feel useless?

When do I get to be happy?

I harbor such hatred for myself and I can’t figure out how to let it go.

The insecurities I have formed are due to my own negligence I suppose.

But how is it so, that the one person who has no idea how I am feeling, could make me feel this way?

Ugly. worthless. Sad. useless. A waste of space. Pointless. Like I’m wasting everyone’s time.

How can I be so secure in someone who doesn’t seem to really give me the time of day.

Someone who makes plenty of time for others.

Somebody who loves another woman but says they love me.

Did they cheat on me?

They’d never tell me if they did

So sneaky

Always hiding something.

How can I ever trust again?

When every picture.

Every post.

Features them as the cloooooooosest.

I don’t want that.

I want to be selfish with my man.

I don’t want any other woman hugged up on him. Period.

I don’t deserve that

I look like a fool

A groupie.

Just another hoe.

Well not anymore

Fuck this.

You jerk.

How could you play with my emotions

Play with my love

Play with my pride and my soul make me think i was wrong inside but really

You don’t care at all.

Happy to have a consistent lay and a warm hole?

Happy knowing that no matter what trifling shit you do I’ll be right there.

Upset as hell

And you know you can twist your words to play the game

So all will be well

But how

How could it be

When I’m in a constant state of not knowing

Not knowing how to act how to proceed

How can I be me

When you don’t really want me to be

Just see me as a side piece?

I can’t be loud?

I can’t yell in a public outdoor setting?

I am crazy?

When I feel weird about y’all snuggling up to each other in photos of places I’ve never been.

Am I blind?

She comes to visit you at work and you communicate for her to and when I do it to surprise you ignore me and act like you don’t see me?

Am I over doing it?

When I text or call you ignore me like a rerun series

When I try to show you something you look away play on your phone.

It seems you’ve grown tired of me.

That you don’t see me the way you used to.

Satisfied with the idea of having me but you don’t really want me.

Or so it seems.

It seems as if you need a break and so I will grant it.

But when I do-

In a moment of "weakness" you say another woman should call you daddy.

And then later that you were just playing around?

I think its bullshit

I think you’re cheating.

I have no proof other than my intuition and that has yet to fail me but you have failed me. Multiple times and yet here I am.

so tell me now be really straight.

Are you lying because you think it too late?

Or do I look so crazy from what you have put me through that you think

I’ll believe anything you say now?

Or does none of it matter?

Is it me you really hate?

Well I see you for what you are: a person through and through

No one can hold you down. Cause you’ve got things to do

But in the process of yah lust for things and ideas to consume

you’re losing the woman who would stand by you through hurricanes and monsoons.

Just to get a little bit of play.

A taste of fame.

And I know how stories like these end

I just hate saying goodbye to things I love.

and I really hate letting go of people I love.

But I do it for you.

I’d really do it boo.

So why can’t you see?

Do this once for me?

See my reality?

See my hurt?

Hear my plea

for more love than you could pour out at the great basin.

Answer my call when it rings

because even though

you just talked with me

an hour ago

you just wanna hear my voice.

You heart and mine

Supposed to be intertwined.

Instead at war with one another.

Because you’ve found another lover?

Where do you go when you disappear for hours?

Why is it I beg for flowers?

Dates?

Sweet kisses?

Why do I continue to torment myself with images of you and another?

All because of a text?

No

Perhaps it was the way you looked at her

The way I wish you looked at me.

Perhaps it was the way you work with her like you’ve never worked with me,

Perhaps it’s how you connect with her in ways I never could

Maybe I’m too black for you

Or maybe i’m too gray

My tastes just too nouveau riche for you

I’ll only get in the way.

You’ve frightened me to death a couple of times only to apologize later

We’ve never watched a sun go up together

Or been down by the bay.

I beg and plead and want some more hoping wishing

Maybe one day.

Maybe the day will come when you see just what I was saying

But I fear that by the time that happens

I’ll be far far away

So far you can never touch me again

Just a hazy image in your mind

I hope before that time comes baby

I can help you change your life

I hope to see a better you

One that keeps promises you’ve made

I hope you reason through n through

at what cost are you willing to stake?

this story is of us on a cliff with a bitter end

it seems all we need is a gentle breeze to push us off.

Why?

Why do we still try.

For something that is born to die.

Love

Lovelovelove

That’s what I try to preach

But everyday in some shape or way I must sit down to learn all that the world has to teach

Because far out there in the big unknown someone loves me more than you

Someone will be willing to do all the things you wouldn’t do

Like scream and howl into the atmosphere no matter the day no matter the time.

Keep my trust a priority so high that even the heavens see it as their sky.

Be prideful in his baby girl let the world make no mistake that I’m HIS world.

And maybe that’ll be you one day.

And maybe that day is far away

For now all I can do do I hope and wait,

And think of better tomorrows today…

I pray for rainy days

To hold me tight

Keep my fears at bay

Wash away my tears and drown out my pain,

But the pain never seems to go away

And so I cry another day.

Longing for someone to save me.

Longing for noone and everything all at once.

If you can hear me.

Please.

Help me.

I think I’m slowly dying.

Wasting away with my life force being drained by all those around me.

Not intentionally

But simply because everyone is much more wrapped in themselves than they should be

Where they need to be is in my arms

So full of love to give

I’m overflowing with it.

But they take the love and they take some more

and then they take too much and it all gets scattered to the floor

and then they reach back out demanding more

and so I give more until I’m all dry and when I need love I am left high and dry

And with nothing to show but my tail between my legs.

What is love?

Does it really exist

Is love a concept that somewhere we have missed?

I will keep giving but [please] understand this

I Would give up my life for this.

For a love that I understand will never be returned

I will be bruised and beaten and scathed and still have more love to give

It makes me so sad and upset

and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

I am crying out for help and nobody seems to hear me.

I feel so alone

Who knew that you only have friends if you have a phone.

But even so

The day rolls on

The night sky hovers above as though a petal in the righteous hour, glowing softly with the hum of the nightlife.

All things cease and you still remain.

Unbothered by any gust of winds

The kind that drive hurricanes to landscapes far and wide

And with warmth I will pour my everlasting light into the mold I am building for myself.

And if others do not like it

Sad but not my truth.

As one likes icing so another fancies lemon curd.

A simple mindset will only get you so far.

You must must must explore the vast recesses of the mind

There you will find the most awe-inspiring self awareness and a calm like no other.

Although I find myself vibrantly self aware,

I am continuously challenged with the thoughts that plague the everyday man.

The sickly sweet call of rendezvous and flashing lights.

What a pretty song to be sung.

The Tell Tale Heart of a Wicked World I’d say -

thank you Mr. E . A . Poe for you illustriously dark prose with whoms hidden meaning were always eloquently portrayed throughout the line you dabbled upon.

And yet with a swift and curteous rap upom fortunes favorotie door you ere led astray.

Moving onward I have questions for some of my collected life experiences.

I, and many others like myself, struggle with the concept of time perishable goods and people.

I hold and cling and desperately grasp unto all things I can find purchase on and I never wanna let go.

But I cannot possibly go with to them all at once!

How do you accomplish multitasking in a way that is not offensive?

When anyone multitasks it sets a new boundary that hasn’t been crossed and I often find myself rather unamused when dealing with such.

There is bias however in every circumstance and all that.

But, like all good things that aren’t intentionally hurtful; it stings.

Are there no boundaries anymore?

Is there no sense of being in certain situations where your hands are tied and you must choose?

To be fair - I have felt nothing but distaste for this evening. I seemed to have embelleshed upon nothing at all and yet have positively thrown off my own mojo so it seems.

I am absolutely embarrassed. My conscious however - is clear.

I will begin the distancing process because there is nothing else left to do. But watch it fall away into the nothingness that it came from.

I am full of sorrow knowing that tomorrow will come and nothing will change for many.

I digress, my willpower is stronger now and I will see to it that I become a better person at the very least.

Baby steps.

Evolution, I'm coming for you.