Broken Self Illusion
Dealing With Addiction, Chronic Suffering, and Being Honest With One's Self
Follow me down this frosted experience,
Glittering pavement beneath a frozen sky,
Here I am missing the sunlight again,
I'm high again,
It's not a choice today,
It's a suicide survival mechanism,
Dial 911,
Location of my emergency is everywhere,
I can't specify,
But I can lie and say I'm OK,
Lies,
When I say I accept life this way,
It's not that I'm coping,
I'm hanging on to threads and hoping,
That if I can just tie knots fast enough I can stitch some sort of future,
Collapse beneath the things that are supporting me,
Where's my daylight when I need her so?
Guess I gotta get myself together,
Paint on a fixed expression,
Over ambitious positivity,
Force it into a shape it was never meant to be,
Lock upon the door that hides the key,
Keep back from these things,
Unintentionally sharpened my pain into a weapon,
I don't mean to injure anyone,
I'm just trying to stay alive within my carefully constructed fallacy,
False in all the right ways,
That's just a temporary situation,
Has been for years,
But maybe I'm changing,
Maybe I'm trying to evolve,
I'm letting go of dark chains in the morning light,
How do I keep moving without my anger?
I've dissolved the arrogance that assured me no one could ever suffer the way I have,
Accepting my pain doesn't make me special,
I don't know what I've got left to grasp,
I'm scraping bottom in an attempt to fly,
Isn't that a pretty picture,
Fingertips raw beneath broken nails,
Attempt to stitch,
Together my flayed skin,
Shape them into pale wings,
I just wanna be angelic for once,
To own the honor I try to claim,
To be beatific,
If only for a single frame,
It's just a demons daydream,
Its just that suffocating breath,
Imprisoned scream,
It's just the dawning realization,
That I've never been quite what I seemed.
About the Creator
Word Smyth
I like to write. I never know where words will take me, or what discoveries I will make along the way. I've never shared my writing, it's very personal. Well, here is where I take the leap.
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