I don’t need anyone to make me feel whole
I don’t need you to need me
I don’t need someone to love me
I don’t need someone to care for me
It would just be nice though
To have someone else there for you
It would just feel a little better to have someone who loves
Me
It would just feel nice to not feel so lonely
It would just be nice to have you by my side
Whoever you are
Wherever you are
It would be nice to have you
Because even though I don’t need
Someone to make me feel complete
It would just be nice to have someone to remind me
How beautiful I am
How strong I am
How I just am
It would just feel nice to hear
“I love you”
But right now
I guess I am on my own
I don’t want to say
I’m waiting
So I’ll say that
I am just being the best me
And if
If
If
If one day
A storm came
Destroyed all of what I thought I knew
The walls I had built around myself
And the roof over my head
I might be able to see
Everything
Even if storms are meant to scare
They also let us relax
Because it lets us know that we aren’t alone
And that even nature needs to breathe
But it’s all okay because after a storm
There is always a sunny day
If
If
If one day
You were that storm
You came into my life
Destroyed everything I thought I knew
Broke down the walls I had built around myself
I might be able to see
Everything that I had a hard time seeing
The stars
The clouds
The grass
The rain
Oh how the rain is beautiful
Or so I think
Rain is like a person
Some people love it because they need it
Some people hate it because it prevents them from having
Fun
But rain
The rain doesn’t care
It continues to shatter us with the teardrops of the sky
It continues to provide us with our needs even when we say
“We don’t need you anymore!”
It doesn’t care
It doesn’t stop
Perhaps it will go
From time to time
But it always returns
Not caring
Always pouring
Providing
Even when not needed
I want to be just like the rain
I want to
Not care
About what the other say
Continue doing what needs to be done
And doing what I want
To do
But
I mean
I guess
I kind of am
Already
Like
Rain
I create beauty
Through
Sadness
I make a
Storm
When angered
I give others
Things they don’t always need
Like rain
But they do
Need me
They just—
I just never seem to be sure of whether or not
They ever really needed me
I say I’m all that
I say that I’m whole
That I am already
Independent
Beautiful
Strong
But I doubt it
I try not too
But I do
I’m not as confident as I seem
I’m not as kind as I seem
I’m not as happy as I seem
I’m not who I seem to be
But that is what makes me
Human
What makes me
Human
Are
My
Flaws.
My stretchmarks
My scars
My eyebags
My wrinkles
My body hair
My anger
My happiness
My sadness
My jealousy
And so much
More
Yet I hate my flaws
Because
I play this game
It’s a game called
Attention
The rules are to get as much
Attention
As possible
The ways of getting
Attention
Don’t matter
As long as you get it
Attention Attention Attention Attention Attention Attention
And when I don’t get my
Attention
I cry
I cry because I realize
How shallow
I am
How selfish
I am
How wasteful
I am
How pitiful
I am
And then
I wish
For More
More
More More
More More More
More More More More
More
My biggest flaw
Is my desire for
Attention
I’ve desired it for so
Long
That I have forgotten
Who I was before
The attention seeking
It’s already too
Late
To go back though
I have to learn
To accept the
Thing
I have become
Not as cool as you thought right?
Not as good as I seem
Right?
Not as full as I would wish to be
Instead of being the glass full of
Milk
I’m just a cup full of
Wishes
&
Broken Dreams
But
Although I am
Empty
I still have hope
I still stand on
My
Ground
I still fight for those
Broken Dreams
&
Wishes
Not because
I have to
But because of the
Hell
I’ve already been through
Betrayal
Jealousy
Ambondonment
Judgment
Bullying
Self pity
But enough about
me
and
my
Self-pity
Ha
It’s funny how when I’m older
And I look back at what I’ve written before
I’ll probably laugh at all the emo crap I write about
And in the future
The stuff I know and write about
Will be so small and dumb
And that will probably why I will cry of laughter
Isn’t that right? Future self?
Your problems will probably about
How you don’t have enough money to
Pay your bills
And my problems right now is the fact that I can’t go to
Pride Parade
Because I am too young
You are probably laughing right now
I kinda am too
But I’m also crying a bit
And it’s normal
I mean
I am just a mere queer teen with daddy issues
Speaking of daddy issues
A dad
Is supposed to be there at
BIRTH
Is supposed to be there when you take your
FIRST STEPS
When you finally
TALK
They are supposed to be there to comfort you when mommy can’t
But YOU
You don’t do what you are supposed to do
Dear "FATHER,"
Where were you when I cried?
Where were you on the day my sister was born?
Where are you now?
Although I don’t hate you anymore
You are the reason why I don’t believe in
Love
You broke my mommy’s heart
You left us with no father or money
You made my mom sad
So sad that her sadness and hatred was passed on
To me.
And mom,
I love you because you raised me and protected me
But I also hate you
I hate you because you brainwashed me into never trusting a
Man
You made me a bit racist
A bit homophobic
A bit scared.
But no matter all those things
I still love you
I love you for your sacrifices
For your dedication
For taking care of my siblings and I
For everything
Even for those flaws that you have
And although I hate you for influencing my lack in love
I love you for warning me.
But I wish I was still naive sometimes.
I wish I was still as innocent as I was.
I wish I was still a kid.
Because kids
Aren’t supposed to have
WORRIES
Aren’t supposed to see
COLOR
Aren’t supposed to know about
WAR
Kids aren’t supposed to know about
PAIN
Kids are supposed to
PLAY
Have FUN
DREAM
WISH
I used to be a kid without worries
But now I’m a teen with insecurities:
Will I pass?
Am I too girly?
Will someone ever love someone
As genderfluid as me?
Don’t cross your legs
They’ll think you’re lying about being
A boy.
No, I’m not a girl
stop calling me by
“she” and “her”
Is this all just a
Phase?
Mom, please just understand
I’m not always a girl.
Wait-
I fell for a “they”
Does this mean I’m not bi?
So many labels.
Can’t be valid without one.
I like her
But she only likes girls
And I’m not always a
girl.
I like him
But he thinks I am
Odd
“Well duh— boi I can’t be #1 without being odd.”
I tell myself.
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