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Broken Dreams & Wishes

Just What I Feel Sometimes... All the Time

By HayhayPublished 6 years ago 6 min read
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I don’t need anyone to make me feel whole

I don’t need you to need me

I don’t need someone to love me

I don’t need someone to care for me

It would just be nice though

To have someone else there for you

It would just feel a little better to have someone who loves

Me

It would just feel nice to not feel so lonely

It would just be nice to have you by my side

Whoever you are

Wherever you are

It would be nice to have you

Because even though I don’t need

Someone to make me feel complete

It would just be nice to have someone to remind me

How beautiful I am

How strong I am

How I just am

It would just feel nice to hear

“I love you”

But right now

I guess I am on my own

I don’t want to say

I’m waiting

So I’ll say that

I am just being the best me

And if

If

If

If one day

A storm came

Destroyed all of what I thought I knew

The walls I had built around myself

And the roof over my head

I might be able to see

Everything

Even if storms are meant to scare

They also let us relax

Because it lets us know that we aren’t alone

And that even nature needs to breathe

But it’s all okay because after a storm

There is always a sunny day

If

If

If one day

You were that storm

You came into my life

Destroyed everything I thought I knew

Broke down the walls I had built around myself

I might be able to see

Everything that I had a hard time seeing

The stars

The clouds

The grass

The rain

Oh how the rain is beautiful

Or so I think

Rain is like a person

Some people love it because they need it

Some people hate it because it prevents them from having

Fun

But rain

The rain doesn’t care

It continues to shatter us with the teardrops of the sky

It continues to provide us with our needs even when we say

“We don’t need you anymore!”

It doesn’t care

It doesn’t stop

Perhaps it will go

From time to time

But it always returns

Not caring

Always pouring

Providing

Even when not needed

I want to be just like the rain

I want to

Not care

About what the other say

Continue doing what needs to be done

And doing what I want

To do

But

I mean

I guess

I kind of am

Already

Like

Rain

I create beauty

Through

Sadness

I make a

Storm

When angered

I give others

Things they don’t always need

Like rain

But they do

Need me

They just—

I just never seem to be sure of whether or not

They ever really needed me

I say I’m all that

I say that I’m whole

That I am already

Independent

Beautiful

Strong

But I doubt it

I try not too

But I do

I’m not as confident as I seem

I’m not as kind as I seem

I’m not as happy as I seem

I’m not who I seem to be

But that is what makes me

Human

What makes me

Human

Are

My

Flaws.

My stretchmarks

My scars

My eyebags

My wrinkles

My body hair

My anger

My happiness

My sadness

My jealousy

And so much

More

Yet I hate my flaws

Because

I play this game

It’s a game called

Attention

The rules are to get as much

Attention

As possible

The ways of getting

Attention

Don’t matter

As long as you get it

Attention Attention Attention Attention Attention Attention

And when I don’t get my

Attention

I cry

I cry because I realize

How shallow

I am

How selfish

I am

How wasteful

I am

How pitiful

I am

And then

I wish

For More

More

More More

More More More

More More More More

More

My biggest flaw

Is my desire for

Attention

I’ve desired it for so

Long

That I have forgotten

Who I was before

The attention seeking

It’s already too

Late

To go back though

I have to learn

To accept the

Thing

I have become

Not as cool as you thought right?

Not as good as I seem

Right?

Not as full as I would wish to be

Instead of being the glass full of

Milk

I’m just a cup full of

Wishes

&

Broken Dreams

But

Although I am

Empty

I still have hope

I still stand on

My

Ground

I still fight for those

Broken Dreams

&

Wishes

Not because

I have to

But because of the

Hell

I’ve already been through

Betrayal

Jealousy

Ambondonment

Judgment

Bullying

Self pity

But enough about

me

and

my

Self-pity

Ha

It’s funny how when I’m older

And I look back at what I’ve written before

I’ll probably laugh at all the emo crap I write about

And in the future

The stuff I know and write about

Will be so small and dumb

And that will probably why I will cry of laughter

Isn’t that right? Future self?

Your problems will probably about

How you don’t have enough money to

Pay your bills

And my problems right now is the fact that I can’t go to

Pride Parade

Because I am too young

You are probably laughing right now

I kinda am too

But I’m also crying a bit

And it’s normal

I mean

I am just a mere queer teen with daddy issues

Speaking of daddy issues

A dad

Is supposed to be there at

BIRTH

Is supposed to be there when you take your

FIRST STEPS

When you finally

TALK

They are supposed to be there to comfort you when mommy can’t

But YOU

You don’t do what you are supposed to do

Dear "FATHER,"

Where were you when I cried?

Where were you on the day my sister was born?

Where are you now?

Although I don’t hate you anymore

You are the reason why I don’t believe in

Love

You broke my mommy’s heart

You left us with no father or money

You made my mom sad

So sad that her sadness and hatred was passed on

To me.

And mom,

I love you because you raised me and protected me

But I also hate you

I hate you because you brainwashed me into never trusting a

Man

You made me a bit racist

A bit homophobic

A bit scared.

But no matter all those things

I still love you

I love you for your sacrifices

For your dedication

For taking care of my siblings and I

For everything

Even for those flaws that you have

And although I hate you for influencing my lack in love

I love you for warning me.

But I wish I was still naive sometimes.

I wish I was still as innocent as I was.

I wish I was still a kid.

Because kids

Aren’t supposed to have

WORRIES

Aren’t supposed to see

COLOR

Aren’t supposed to know about

WAR

Kids aren’t supposed to know about

PAIN

Kids are supposed to

PLAY

Have FUN

DREAM

WISH

I used to be a kid without worries

But now I’m a teen with insecurities:

Will I pass?

Am I too girly?

Will someone ever love someone

As genderfluid as me?

Don’t cross your legs

They’ll think you’re lying about being

A boy.

No, I’m not a girl

stop calling me by

“she” and “her”

Is this all just a

Phase?

Mom, please just understand

I’m not always a girl.

Wait-

I fell for a “they”

Does this mean I’m not bi?

So many labels.

Can’t be valid without one.

I like her

But she only likes girls

And I’m not always a

girl.

I like him

But he thinks I am

Odd

“Well duh— boi I can’t be #1 without being odd.”

I tell myself.

sad poetry
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