Broken

I am not ok…

Not in the slightest…

I can not fake it anymore…

The smiles on my face cracked and worn…

Living inside a hell that I myself created,

Thinking I could be …

Better…

Better than I was the day before…

All I feel is tired… tired of the fight

The rituals set out to help me cope…

Everything feels so heavy now…

the air is made of lead and all i want is to breathe…

I can’t, something broke inside of me… something serious and the truth is, I can not fix it…

My fire is gone, along with the want and passion that once coursed through my veins pushing me on…

Instead I am shackled to demons who whisper…

What is the point…

I live by patterns now...emotionless flow through of what has to be done…

I no longer care about the moments… because they are all one in same…

Repeating as I walk half conscious of this world…

Wondering…

Why can’t I feel…

Where has my soul gone…

in that I realize with deafening clarity…

My soul is gone…

I do not have it in me to fight any more, to push and get it back…

I am just tired…

I am so fucking tired of it all

Because I am broken on a primal level…

Happiness sheds like water off my skin, swirling down the drain of ever present depression, regression of homebound comfort and safety…

Because here in this room, nothing can hurt me…

In this room I do not have to play the marionette, dancing to the strings of emotional response…

I don’t have to appear normal…

People will not question me why or tell me to smile…

Give me their false platitudes and arrogant advice of it will get better day by day….

No my friends… it wont…

See I have been here before… I have been in this hellish head space… it took everything I had to pull myself from the muck…

But this time… the demons are stronger than I…

I lay my head down, bowed, busted and split open… without even the strength to pray…

I'm done…

I just want to sleep…

forget my emotional PTSD…

I wish I could cut the heart from my chest…

So I could just …

be