Breaking on the Inside

Feelings... Hoping you'll read this...

You

But the dreams...

What do they mean?

Why are you always in them?

You're the last one on my mind at night

You always pop into my head in the middle of the day during the busiest part of my days

I end up wondering if you're okay

Wanting to tell you I'm ready

I want you to know I want you back

I want you to know it's only you my heart desires

And I can't imagine myself with anyone else

I can only imagine what you're doing

Or how you're dealing with everything

I hope you'll want me back

I want to be better for you

I want to make you happy

Because man am I crazy for you..

You're the only one my heart and mind have been chasing after

I can't think of a time it wasn't you

Since the day we met at orientation I wanted to be with you..

But I was with someone else..

I hope this doesn't end badly..

Man do I want you

To hold you

Create a bond with you

To kiss your lips

To sleep next to you

Play with your hair

Go on car rides with you

Random dates

Random walks

Take care of you when you're sick

Have my arms feel like a safe haven for you

My heart to feel like home

My eyes to calm you down when you're angry

I want to experience it all with you..

All the fights

All the yelling

All the tears

All the smiles

Everything...

How would you react if I told you that?..

Would you want to experience it all with me too?

Why are you so upset?

Because it's 4am and I'm laying awake thinking of you

Thinking how bad I want to hold you in my arms

Yet here I am, alone

Unknowingly crying myself to sleep because I can't have you how I want to

Because I messed up and I know I did

Because I'm thinking how much I want your arms wrapped around me..

How much I want to hear your sleepy voice

How much I want to kiss your lips and nuzzle into your neck

How much I want you to be the last thing I see at night and the first I see in the morning

How much I want to tell you that you're the only one I want

That you're who my heart is calling out to

How much I want to be there with you

How much I want you to show up at my door and tell me you want me and you can't wait any longer

How much I wish the scenarios in my head would happen...

How much I wish I could kiss you in the full moon light

But I can't...

So I'll sit here and write..

And write...

Until I can't anymore..

Until I can tell you I'm ready and I want to be with you...

That's why..

Do you remember?

Do you remember the first time we met?

Because I do

Do you remember the first time we kissed?

Because my heart still flutters and my cheeks still burn bright when I think about it

Do you remember the first time you held me?

Do you remember the first time we had sex?

Because I do..

It was the first time I felt intimate with someone..

Do you remember calming my anxiety?

Because you're the first person to ever be able to do that

Do you remember being everything I wanted?

Do you remember how I couldn't stop smiling around you?

Because now without you I'm struggling to even put on a smirk

I want you back.. I fucked up..

I want to bang on your door..

And tell you everything that's on my mind...

Apologize a hundred times..

But I know I won't able to cough the words up

Do you remember the tickle fights?

Do you remember me tricking you into kissing me while you were sick?

In such a short amount of time you gave me so much to remember

And how did I repay you?..

God.. I hate myself..

I'm so sorry..

But can we remember and go back to the good times?

Can we do that?..