She talks thru my voice box
Feels things thru my heart
She is BPD
I am Me.
We share the same body
But not the same brain
We are constantly split
One continuously triggered the other continually confused
Let go of my body
Stop making my decisions
Stop controlling my mind
Making me backseat driver to myself
Mapping my destiny
She is the darkness within me
My BPD
But she is not me
She holds her fingers around my throat when I want to speak
When I get too close to what caused her to exist in the first place
She plunges her icy fingers into my soul
Freezing me
Trapping me
So I can't be me
But two of us.
For the longest time she was able to hide
Until I realized that I wasn't the one crying
I wasn't the one yelling
I wasn't the one afraid
She holds my memories in a box she won't let me have the key to
She sits crossed legged on my heart
Eavesdropping on my life
So when she hears something
That reminds her of something she has locked away
She opens the box to identify the memory
And unleashes feelings of things she never let me understand
Because by the time I realized she opened the box
And try to look inside myself to see why
It's closed
I'm hollow
I'm crying
And I don't even know why.
She says I'm better off that way
That they're locked away for a reason
But what she doesn't understand is that she has to sleep
And when she sleeps
I slip the key off from around her frail fragile neck, that she keeps oh so close to her heart
And I unlock the box
And I dream
The memories hit me fast
Quickly
Too many too fast too dark
For me to understand
They swirl into pictures and flashes and feelings
And they grip me tight into a nightmare
Because she is angry that I've opened the box
She is angry, so she traps me in what I so desperately want to discover
I scream
I thrash
I cry
I wake up
I write down my dreams
What I've learned.
But when I'm awake
She guards my feelings
Even tighter and closer than she did before
Building up walls around the box
So not even my thoughts can penetrate
She quickly becomes my heart, my emotions
I quickly become captive in my mind, my thoughts
We are two in the same body
Her my feelings and me my thoughts
My logic can never cross my emotions
They begin to exist only one at a time
Either me
Or her
Never at the same time.
But in dreams
When she sleeps
I am awake
Creating cracks in what is now armor around my heart
So when I sleep and she is awake
She isn't aware I can now feel what she thought she had protected.
Now understand me when I say this
I don't hear voices
I know she isn't real
The little girl that holds my heart, my feelings captive.
She is merely a coping mechanism that my past has fractured into existing.
I am just now aware of her and her name is BPD
And she is not me
She does not control me.
She is my past personified within me
She thinks she is protecting me
Not knowing she is hurting me.
But I will fix all that
With therapy
With writing
With talking
Maybe if I fix my heart
That my past has broken
She won't feel the need to exist anymore.
One day at a time
She'll have to sleep
And I'll have to grow
And maybe one day we will both wake up
And be one.
I will be me
And that's all I want to be.
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