Born and Raised

I feel so homesick.

But where's my home?

Where I come from? SoCal?

Or where I roam?

Kauai.

Maui.

Costa Rica.

Carlsbad.

Crystal.

I have no idea

where I belong anymore.

I feel restless right now.

Unspeakably

restless.

I'm getting cold feet

and cold blood

about moving.

I get thoughts

before I go to sleep,

where I question my place

to move from a home

that has treated me kindly.

Where I have spent countless days

playing in the backyard,

basking in the sun.

I am a Sun Child of SoCal.

I live my life outside.

I get up when the sun rises,

and sleep when the sun

goes down.

I have never known different.

And now,

I'm moving to a place

where June Gloom

is everyday.

Where it rains constantly.

Some nights,

while I toss in my bed

and throw around my thoughts,

I question why

I wanted to move in the first place.

Was it teenage anxst?

Was it because I truely wanted to?

Was it because I needed

s p a c e

to roam?

and a place to

b r e a t h e

and

t h i n k

for myself finally?

I think a part of it,

it all of those reasons.

I know I would have

suffocated

under my parents wrath

if I stayed longer.

I would go crazy.

But so much

shit

has happened

over a few months,

that I crave stability

for once.

I crave

home.

I feel like I

just started living life

where my home is,

and now I'm moving.

I'm moving in two days actually...

i'm putting

a bookmark

on the place that

I want a tattoo of on my hip;

which makes me believe

my reasoning--

why am I moving?

But I'm also at a point

where I crave--

new.

I crave adventure.

I crave being alone.

I crave doing what I want,

when I want,

with people to support me

doing what I want to do.

I want to meet new people

and make new friends

and party it up

and going to school

to do shit that I've been dreaming of

since I was six.

I'm seventeen

and I have my own apartment,

with a job to support it.

That's crazy.

I don't know how to

feel about that.

But I know

I'm going to miss

my friends.

My haunts.

My dog.

My beach.

My other beach.

I'm going to miss the sunshine,

and how home looks like

on a clear day,

where I can see all of the valley.

I'm going to miss

some very specific people...

people who I'm moving away from\

or people who are

moving away from me.

I'm going to miss

riding Basil through the park

on Sundays.

And getting coffee from my barista.

Riding down to the beach.

The hills and trails

that I've known since I was

a little girl.

I'm going to miss

my elementary school,

where my childhood started.

And the way my

backyard looks

in the spring.

I'm going to miss

family bbq's

during the summer,

and my aunts house

at Easter.

I'm going to miss

lay days,

hella good surfing,

and anything in between.

I've lived a good life,

in a place where

life is good.

I have no complaints

about where I was

born and raised,

I just--

I dont know...

I decided to move.

I'm excited

and sad

and terrified;

all in that order.

I guess I have to charge on

to the road ahead.

Life moves in waves.

It's never an end really...

I guess I just have to put a

bookmark

on home right now.