Blame

Blame

My body was not his to borrow

But he borrowed it anyway

I was not ready to lose my innocence

But I lost it anyway

Rape culture suggests

That I may have provoked the attack

Perhaps by my ruffled bathing suit

Or by the way that I danced

I was a child

How did I provoke something

That I didn't understand?

My mind has built a cage

Where I imprison

Rape culture and victim blaming

Accusations of lying and making it up

Live there as well

Someone once told me

That she doesn't believe in rape

As if it's not a thing that exists

When your entire being is woven into a fabric

Born from an attack

That happened when you were a child

A statement like that is devastating

It felt like knives

Peeling my skin off

Exposing my soul

To be laughed at

I felt foolish for

Believing that it had happened

I blamed myself for my attack

I no longer blame myself for my attack

I blame him

I blame him for my P.T.S.D.

I blame him for my poor self-image

I blame him for my sleepless nights

I blame myself for surviving

I blame myself for finding my strength

I blame myself for standing up to him and kicking him out of my life

I blame myself for providing my child

With a better childhood than I had

I have risen from the ashes of childhood rape

I fashioned wings out of my despair

That carry me to a place

Where hope grows on trees

Like apples, crisp, sweet, and ripe to pick as I please

I am not defined by my tragedy

I am defined by the way that I choose to conquer it

I choose who I am

One nauseating moment of my life

Does not choose who I am