Battles

Afraid of the world and their intentional wounds. Tired of living in a world filled with neglect and abuse. I need a hero, do I make myself clear? I'm surrounded by a dark hole- dragging me down limb by limb- sometimes I just want to give in. Internal conflicts appear in an external world confirming all my fears.

Maybe, I'm just not good enough.

They say that life's not fair, and I put an act pretending not to care- but honestly I'm scared. Scared to love and scared to hate, everything to me is a test against fate. They ask if I'm okay, I lie and say I'm fine- truth is, I'm not alright. I've been battling depression all my life.

Maybe, I'm just not good enough.

It's the first day, and I feel like crying- I want to give up and say "fuck this, I'm done trying" - I'm just not good enough. I'm too slow, too dumb, how I got this job is simply mind blowing. Perhaps, I'm overthinking...

Or maybe, I'm just not good enough..

I've been moving around for the past 3 years- from place to place- passing by truck stops and living at pit stops along the road. I once had a place to call my own- a place with a roof and bugs, but I called it home. This wasn't the best, but I didn't feel alone. I gave it up because I was getting beat.

Cornered in our bathroom in the executioners position beside the sink. Tears fell from my eyes, as my breathing got tense as my anxiety started to rise.

"You peice of shit, you peice of crap he would say, you whore your cunt, you bitch- you dont love me- you dont care. Why are you against me? He would ask- you piece of shit, two faced bitch he would say, " I'll fucking kill you, you dumb ass bitch" he would scream.

So their i am on my knees, cornered beside the bathroom sink, and as the tears started falling: I screamed " I'm sorry, I'm sorry- I'm not perfect. Please dont hurt me, put down the knife, baby- please dont hurt me, I'm sorry I'm not good enough." And then their was the sound "Smack" And then their was a gasp followed by "you dumbass bitch you dont care, your just like everyone else before- you fucking whore, Fuck you, you dumbass mother fucker. Fuck you, you fucking fuck."

He left me thinking: Maybe I'm just not good enough.

I said I needed a hero, and this is why- I dont want to die and I dont want to cry, I just want to smile and know that everything will be fine.

But maybe thats asking for a bit too much?