Autumn Mindset

I see eyes mimic those of a mirror, yet yours breathe. Yours do not reflect breath, but rather they take mine away. I sense your lips that not only create words, but create worlds within the gaps of my insecurities. I smile next to your ears, the ones that know I choose the words I say carefully, and I hear a laugh that humbles and calms my anger.

I have seen eyes that want to close forever, and I have seen eyes halt their breathing. I have seen those eyes that gave me life, but none that maintained it for me. I have seen lips that say what is necessary, and not what you said last night.

I have ears that are scarred on the inside with all the words I threw into the awkward silence.

And I haven’t heard that laugh in a while—my anger needing the hug of a chuckle.

You are both love and the absence of.

I am not only the happiest when I see you, but I’m becoming simple and content with life around us. The colors bend and mend into what I only assume is red and then...

They stop.

I woke up in the same clothes with the same intent, but you woke up as if autumn was over. As if every missing puzzle piece of yours wasn’t filled with the ones I spent hours shaping for you. As if we haven’t been through the greenest greens and the dryest tans. As if I haven’t seen your cowardly yellow and passionate reds. As if I haven’t seen you fall from the branches of money, comfort, and family, landing in my arms with content confusion.

I fell asleep with pioneer leaves growing out of my cold ears, but you holding me kept the silence warm. My leaves, now turning a nervous yellow, are beginning to droop as I see and feel the distance you are putting between us. I can still taste your laughter, but all I hear is my thoughts banging against my frontal lobe—damaging any sense of identity I built out of sticks and stones.

My words will always hurt me.

I woke up in the same clothes with the same intent, but you woke up as if summer just started. The absence of last night’s autumn solidifies summer in your schema’s, but it only makes my winter harsh. The eyes that want to close forever hibernate until the ears hear laughter that warms up every inch of the ice.