Apply Heat

so, i forgot to turn off my personality disorder today.

i yelled at my mother,

made my best friend cry,

i started a fight with my boyfriend over something he never said.

the world feels tinted and shifted like

it fell over and someone is trying to

stand it up straight again.

im afraid to speak with my mouth open

so sometimes i don't speak at all.

if i had a nickel for every time

i told myself to shut up

i could pay someone to tell me instead.

anger feels me up with cold hands,

pushes itself into my body.

dissociation knocks me unconscious and

steals my sense of self.

my bottles of pills can't save me when

it's too late, when

the bridges are all burnt, when

the apologies don't count anymore.

i lit the match when i forgot how to control myself and

set the fire behind my own eyes.

i wish i could say you make my heart warm

but i wouldn't be able to tell.

today i have a fever.

apply heat and i start to melt.

i woke up and forgot to turn off my personality disorder.

i went to sleep in a room on fire.