You are anxiety.
When you were little, they called it being a
Worry wart.
They rolled their eyes when you cried because your mom was late coming home,
Or when you wouldn’t let your dog off the leash.
You are anxiety.
And your friends would make fun of you for wearing your seatbelt,
And for getting too sweaty palmed to hold the drink they secretly handed you,
And for going home instead.
You are anxiety.
They say “How can you have anxiety
If you are pretty
And have money
And nice parents”
And you tell them
“I, too, am confused
About why I feel this way.
And I know I’m not supposed to.”
You are anxiety
And they say “If your life is easy,
What do you have anxiety about”
And you wish you could tell them
That you’re an avalanche
Rolling into an unexpecting village,
And you feel the ocean in your chest
From the moment you wake up
To the moment your heart beats itself to sleep,
And you wish you could breathe
But you’ve forgotten how,
And sometimes you wish you knew what was making
Your lungs tight,
And when you realize there isn’t a reason,
They get tighter.
You wish you could tell them
That you worry your parents might die
Any second,
Or your pets,
Or your friends,
Or them.
You worry that the silence in your car is too soft,
And it might mean that nothing
Means anything
At all.
You worry that you’re trapped behind your eyes,
And you try to escape through your ears,
And you realize this is it,
And you won’t ever leave your own head.
You are anxiety.
And you don’t tell them that you slept for three hours last night
Because you kept waking up in cold sweat.
And you don’t tell them that you threw up last week because the
Earthquake you imagined rattled your soul and you were preparing for the very house you live in
To crush you.
You don’t tell them that you grew up plucking your own eyelashes
And chewing off your own fingers
And gnawing at your own lips.
You’ve eaten yourself alive from the time you were
Old enough
To know how to say
What if.
You are anxiety,
And you don’t know how to tell them
That you pray every night
Someday you won’t be.
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