Am I Good Enough?

Nine months getting fatter

and fatter.

so fat, no covcievable position

will allow you to sleep comfortably

Sickness, aches, discomfort

feeling so utterly terrified

not knowing what the future holds

and yet

total adoration for a tiny person

you've never met.

Wondering how your body

the one that you've looked at

a thousand times before

and seen with all its flaws

is now creating something

so miraculous

so spectacularly amazing

it's hard to comprehend it.

Labour

like going into battle,

but with no preparation

no idea when the end will come,

moments of calm and clarity

but mostly moments of pure agony and fear

then you dig in deep to be braver

stronger than you thought you could ever be

just when you think you can't do it anymore

it's over

but really

it's only just beginning.

In the dead of the night

I am there, pacing up and down

singing softly

sometimes crying along with my babe.

"I can't do this!"

"I don't know what to do!"

Hopelessness grips

but nobody sees it.

Nobody will know because

to everyone else

we look like a mum in control

a mother who knows.

Then daylight comes,

bringing sunlight into the dark

I see their tiny hands, feet and nose

I marvel at the slightest movement in their face

I press their velvet skin against my cheek

and all is right again.

A series of moments flash by

unseen events in time,

ones with no tiara or reward badge attached.

Wiping bottoms, a thousand times a day

quietly throwing out the tenth baby grow

and wishing you'd bought everything

in the colour yellow

picking up cereal

or scraping it off the floor because it's been cemented there

from three days ago.

reaching out with cupped hands to catch the sick

before it reaches the floor

being cross

even though you promised yourself

you'd be more patient today

saying you are sorry

and promising yourself again

and again to be better tomorrow.

Falling asleep in a tiny bed

then trying to untangle your body

from the child that's woken

at 11 PM

1:17 AM

3:34 AM

then wondering if there is any point

getting ready for bed.

kissing scraped knees

owie fingers

and bumped heads

racing to the hospital

dreading the questioning suspicious look

as you tell the doctor why your child is in A&E

again

"up please"

"down please"

"no no no"

"more please"

"I don't want it!"

"I want it"

forcing the child into a chair

that is more rigid

than a plank of wood

playing the music so loud

you nearly can't hear them cry

all the way home

Washing clothes

drying clothes

folding clothes

not ironing them

watching it pile high for a week

and wondering why it never gets any smaller.

Throwing an odd sock away

only to find it's pair a week later.

Feeling guilt

for not going "back to work"

and feeling it again when you do.

Promising not to cry the day

you leave your baby for the first time

but weeping the whole way to work.

Thinking about them the whole day

and wishing for the moment you can pick them up again.

Feeling both guilt and freedom

when you feel a piece of you

is back again.

when it's just you they see

not 'that kids mum'

Getting to the end of a day at work

looking in the mirror

and realising

there is dry snot all over your shoulder.

Feeling broken and proud

as you watch them cross the threshold

of a school classroom

a new chapter in their life

your life

where they need you less

but you feel like you need them more.

Racing to school

realising as you reach the door

a minute to spare

they are wearing a pair of trousers

meant for their two-year-old brother.

Feelings of guilt

that their "World book day" costume

is shop bought and not home made.

Feelings of pride

after seeing them wearing the costume

you spent all night making

but seceretly promising

to just buy it again next year.

Doing your best

but not always feeling like you measure up

Then they cry in the night

and in the day

and you wish someone else could give them

the cuddle that will get them back to sleep

but then you realise

all they want is you.

No one else can give them what they need

because you are theirs

and they are yours

and you are good enough.