A Letter:

I must oblige the tempest.

I must sail the pernicious winds.

I will exhale all that lives

And inhale my bloody sins.

I must escape the peaceful ending

that comes to those who wait.

I must subscribe to ways of darkness.

I must direct my fate.

I know your hearts may weep, I know mine surely has,

But please remember the smiles, the laughter of the past.

Don’t remember me as a ghost, the girl who cut her thread.

Remember me as human too; I lived, I loved, I bled.

I’m decidedly dead as you read this- my final throes.

But don’t fret! I’ve escaped! Don’t blame yourself-

Please don’t blame yourself- for what I’ve chose.

I was a victim of shadow, addicted to tears.

I’m sorry I caved, I surrendered to fears.

I never wanted to melt, become a pool of naught.

But I stepped into the flame and let my strength rot.

You may scream at my corpse,

“What happened to faith?

"What happened to hope, to your confidence, grace??

You were a young blossom, full of brilliance and mirth!

Perhaps careful, withdrawn, yet still bursting with worth!

"Your legs how they’d run! The miles you’d travel!

Footsteps and breath in sync on the gravel.

So close to flying you felt, you said, free!

Can you now so easily erase this- your prized liberty?

“What about your travels in books? Your fascination with word?

From mother, ‘Her poems were the best I’ve ever heard!’

“Oh intelligence true and beauty innate,

She was such a gem! - Unfit for tawdry fate.

“Built to last she was. A beacon to friends.

When absent her works, there could be no amends.”

Those words will come, those thoughts will flow.

But all is well,

I don’t expect you to see it. I don’t expect you to know

That a fog clouds my thinking.

It fills my aching head.

That a sorrow carves a void, making me feel dead.

My eyes are blinded by my tears that burn like violent flares.

They smolder all emotion and singe away my cares.

A pile of rubble I’ve become, ravaged, full of gloom.

That I feel much like a flower,

One that never asked to bloom.

I’m taking up space, just breathing your lies.

Sister, I’m sorry, but I can’t keep up my disguise.

I’m broken. I’m bruised. All that’s happened seems false.

No love, no light, no music for my waltz.

Take center stage, please escape my eclipse.

On you trouble has no hold, and pain has no grips.

Begin anew your life

With this foreboding chapter as its past.

I’m leaving you to suffrage.

With your choice alone at last.

Forget my empty bones,

Forget your aching heart.

I love you even now,

Even now,

Even now,

As we must part.

I can’t watch you suffer. I can’t know that I’m why;

I can’t live here with guilt as my constant ally.

Life stopped for me. And now my heart must follow.

So leave the pain. It’s mine. This is my bravado.

Emma, Simon, my siblings, make sure you pray.

I’ll be your guardian angel, all your demons I’ll slay.

Mine were too coarse, too abusive to prove,

But yours I will murder, I will surely remove.

……..........................................................................

This is the proof we needed.

These are the wounds we found.

These are the tears shed, the blood bled, and the fear fed.

These are the words she wrote.