A Is for Anxiety

All of my oxygen is being crushed

Now the tingling in my arms to my neck feels like ants under my skin

Xylophones makes noise and noise is what prolongs rapid breathing

I am fearing and worrying things unknown to me

Everybody? avoid avoid avoid everybody because everything I’m feeling interrupts daily activities.

Too much movement makes me cry

You think I’m making this up huh? That I’m exaggerating? Yeah? That’s what I said to a loved one who dealt with severe anxiety. Worse thing you can say and make matters worse than they already are instead of asking how to help.

I deal with it high and low at an early age.

Stop and think about what you’re going to say before you judge because you never know what someone is going through.

A few things I learned about this anxiety:

It can be a real pain especially without realizing that I survived a year (back in 2017) of suffering from this.

Ahhh. The word is not pretty and came with the help of lack of sleep, dark circles under my eyes, lack of sleep due to worry and fear of dying in my sleep(don’t know why), lack of sleep due to worry and fear of having nightmares, terrified of being left alone which happened because you know some had school and/or work (which is understandable).

Ever have friends or a boyfriend or best friend or that sibling who kept you up all night just talking for hours and you’re kinda hinting at them you’re sleepy? Yeah well that’s what it’s like with this disorder, but it’s annoying nonstop unhealthy bugging.

Oh my! It’s starting to get awfully warm in here. Open a few windows. Here comes the sweating and rapid heart rate. Too much air. This is completely absurd.

Should I go or should I not? It’ll be fun to get out and hang with a few friends. No, but what happens if I have another attack I won’t feel safe and will want to go home. They won’t understand. Mmmm. I’ll go.

Why am I indecisive about this?!?

Avoiding social events or family because I was just so damn exhausted my eyes were heavy and I didn’t know when I’d have another unexpected attack. Hiding in my cousins bathroom with the doors locked because another shower of it hit me. Of course. I cried each time.

Felt ugly and dragged. I’m calling this thing a demon at this point because it’s taking a negative toll on my life, siblings, daily activities and hobbies.

I love to watch films at home or theater I’ll cite lines from unpopular to popular movies. Anyway. I think I’m fine when it comes down to seeing THAT new movie that has just been released.

My brother and friends would invite me to go to the movie theater and I’m already terrified that I’m about go to the movie theater. All you have is darkness, a big screen playing the film and no windows. Darkness and no windows means I feel like I’m suffocating. Sometimes I’d go not saying anything about this whole situation because I think mind over matter. It’s ok. You’ll be ok. You’ll be fine. Nope! There were times I wanted to run out before even going in. Times the it knocked me out into a cold sleep. Asking my little sister hey can you do me a favor please and rub my back so the anxiety can go away? She wouldn’t mind. This brings me tears because I’m asking my little sister to help me and she did! I thank her and my brother for the support of helping me get through this. It’s difficult and strange.

Waking up not remembering how the and what the hell what happened. Of course I was upset there were movies I don’t remember watching!? What? I was terrified of movie theaters so I avoided them as much as possible.

Avoided closing bedroom windows or shutters because I felt it’d make it come back alive and make matters worse. I use to love sleeping in pitch darkness. A light has to be on when I sleep now. No using elevators. No walking stairs. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

Getting ready to leave anywhere would take quite some time because I’d have unexpected surprise of—what is this— is this a demon whatever it is I hate it. Ugly.

This thing likes to make special guests appearances whenever I’m fine: I’m on the toilet, waking up, out with friends, game night with my family, getting all dolled up, mid way combing my hair, elevators, stairs, school, stores, you name it!

How will I ever enjoy having a great time again with family or friends I want to hang out with?

I’ll just stay home because this keeps happening. I felt trapped in my own mind and body.

This is out of control!!! I was desperate to not be in this state of being controlled by anxiety.

What can I do to make this go away? What can I do?

Prayer! Ok! I would be crying out to God every single day and when night fell everyone who went to sleep I was awake. In the living room. Lying on the floor. Is this not working?! No, it is maybe it takes time?? Maybe there are more things for me to take action in order to help me help knock this out of the way??

Desperately crying take it away please Lord.

Reading my bible. Eating healthy. Oh! I’ll have coffee here and there here and there. During those super delicious times of drinking coffee I’d be having attacks after !!! When I didn’t have A before caffeine was fine with me.

Had to cut off the caffeine. Unless I get decaffeinated. But whatever.

Going to sleep early.

No using my phone two three hours before I go to sleep. Going for 30 minute - 40 minute runs in the park everyday day or every other day.

Classical music to leave me in a bubble of tranquility.

Cleaning. Oh goodness how the house would be a mess sometimes. Thank goodness not anymore. Getting my mind off it really did help. Doing super great!!!

What else can I do to further help me help knock this out of the way?

Make a doctors appointment? Really don’t like pills though. I’ll try sleepy time tea. It kinda works.

What else? Maybe I should make a doctors appointments?? My brother encouraged me to.

Ok so I get prescribed pills, but I don’t pick them up because I feel frightened they will make me worse. Someone told me from experience, but I wouldn’t know until I try it. Never picked up the prescription.

A year later at the doctor's office because I’m experiencing no sleep and nightmares again which caused may have caused this. Made a doctors appointment told them what the situation was. Prescribed pills. Of course you don’t know til you try it even though pills are good and bad for you. Try it for the first time when I experience the A attack in math class. Ok 30 minutes in maybe I should leave math class I’m not able to concentrate. Well well it makes me drowsy.

Freaking out about something which I’m trying to find what is to NOT freak about which is NOTHING. Powerless. It’s a shame. This doesn’t feel real. Helpless. Feels like I’m drowning in this endless whirlwind of nothing.

Anyway! Having it set under control sometimes and sometimes it feels like my skin is going to detach itself from my bones and RUN.

Point is some people don’t understand what it is to suffer from anxiety until they go through it which I hope not.

Now that you know this anxiety disorder disrupts my life time to get ready for the rides at Six Flags. I love amusement parks. Rides are thrilling. Fingers crossed!