A Complete Paradox

A lot of times I feel childish, oversensitive, rude and selfish. But other times I feel mature, heartless, kind and generous.

I'm either a little child or an old lady.

My whole life consists of a repetitive cycle. Running away from the mundane, trying to bring out my creative side, living in a dream and failing at reality.

There's so much in the world but yet none of it is for me.

I am critical and demanding, constantly needing the best. All that accompanied by a permanent lack of satisfaction.

Everything seems to be good in quantity but not in quality and bad quality kills.

Sometimes I feel as if I am going crazy. Misunderstood with my scattered-brainedness; I can't make sense of myself.

I feel like a complete outsider, with no specific place to belong to; with no home,

but yet the whole world is my home.

Always craving the different, the unique and explosive.

The truth is, I never want to ever fit in!

Yet sometimes I wish I could try a little bit of normalcy once in a while; feeling part of what everyone else seems to be part of.

My way of constantly withdrawing from the world around me leads me to feel completely disconnected.

I say it's a way to protect my sensitive self from the mundane, but sometimes it's hard to bring myself back...

when I do connect, I connect intensely; as a whole.

Maybe that's why I choose to disconnect, I always choose to give too much of myself. I feel the need to give it all.

In the end...

...I am both detached and attached. I am both happy and sad. I am both anxious and relaxed. I am both honest and dishonest.

I want love yet I reject it.

A complete paradox!

I am a lazy lazy perfectionist.

I want to do things "perfectly". But since I know I can't do them perfectly, why try?

I believe we all have a lot to give, yet I give not even a bit of myself to anyone.

I love so many things yet I don't do anything with them.

Writing is my type of self-expression, yet I don't like sharing what I write.

So how in the world am I to express my most cherished values and opinions and feelings.

The more I think about it, the less it makes sense.

But... Does everything have to make sense? Or can I get away with not making sense?

What is more is less, what is up is down, what is no is yes, what is do is don't.

I don't usually know where I'm going with what I say, but at least I know it's coming from the brain.

Life is simple yet complex.

When I open my mouth I don't always mean what I say. Not even my actions reflect what I want.

This is the tragedy everyone talks about. If you don't act a certain way, then you're not a certain way.

Hypocrite.

My train of thought goes around, up and down, left and right, back and forth, in and out.

The amount of ideas and thoughts is so big that the train is destroyed. Leaving them all stranded and some of them permanently forgotten.

Life is hard when your brain is in a state of trouble. How to take action and how to keep up with my stranded, almost-forgotten ideas.

The danger that plays in when I say what I have to say is, sensitive people and their literalism.

Too much honesty is too harsh, too open, TMI.

In the end, people would rather get what's on the surface...