4/11/18

It's been a long time since I've been trying to answer the question, "Who am I?" Well I finally know. I don't really know how to word it well, but I wrote a bunch of things tonight in my journal/planner and I want to share them with you guys. They're different but they're me. I'll name them A,B, C, etc., in order of which I wrote them.

A

And maybe she was finally beginning to understand

She was understanding she needs to stop passing up chances and opportunities, because now she's all alone

She realized she was avoiding everything because she wanted to focus on herself

She finally understands that she needs to let people in

Understanding people come and go in different ways for different reasons

Finally understood she needed to stop pushing people away

Maybe she should give new people chances before assuming they're going to destroy her too...

If they still want the chance

Praying that they do and they'll accept her apology

B

And every day is a new challenge and a new experience

She finds new ways of thinking and new ways of understanding

However, what's going to be next for her?

Is she going to be able to face this new challenge in a way she wants?

Or does she have to accept her time has passed and the opportunity may be presented to somebody new

Is it going to be okay? she wonders

Drilling away her at her planner

Letting her mind wander freely and her hand following the same flow

But what about her heart? When does her heart come into play?

Will it ever?

What does her heart want? she wonders

Being unable to understand the small jealousy that overthrew her when she saw them together

Wondering whether her heart yearns for another or if her heart feels left out

Being unable to hold anyone else in her arms and heart

Not being able to tell someone the simple words, I love you

How much she wishes she could go back in time and find out whether she truly could've been happy or whether she's a hopeless fool with stupidly romantic daydreams

Wondering, what's wrong with her?

C

Life is full of challenges

I've finally accepted that not everything will be answered in a simple way

Sometimes the answers I need aren't always easy to come to

Sometimes I need to think and think for hours, days, weeks, etc.

Sometimes I can't always accept that, but I'm learning to

Learning to accept the little things that aren't so little

Like the ways I have to think of different situations

Or that I have to be okay with my past decisions, even when I'm not

I have to accept that sometimes I'm going to fall apart and I can't be afraid of asking for or accepting help,

Because God knows I need it

D

My writings... My voice...

It's all I have that I'm able to claim as mine

It's all I have

I want someone some day to understand why I write

I want them to understand what I mean

If you can't understand, you're not the person I want or need

If you can't understand, you're nothing to me

My words are free to interpretation

Take your mind on an adventure

My words and my interpretation are mine

They're my point of view

They're all I have for myself

What do you have?

Read my words and understand not only my pain, but your own as well

E

Every day things get better and I am starting to feel more like myself

Life is beginning to look up again

I can't wait to be completely myself once again

If life gives you lemons you have to catch them and have a plan brewing to do something with these unexpected "lemons"

Life is all about dealing with the unexpected and dealing with things coming your way at the most inconvenient times

If I can master handling the unexpected then I know I'm going to be okay in the future and my future self will thank my past self

But I have to remember to take the unexpected roads sometimes because they're the fun ones and can lead you to where you need to be

There will be times when I should say yes to things, especially if I have nothing to lose

Stop saying no

However, I also have to remember sometimes I do have to ask for help, even when I don't want to

Because If I can't rely on the people I claim as my "friends" (or my family) then who am I going to have in my life in the future?

I refuse to end up alone

I will better my relationships because they're important to me

Thank you to everyone who made me realize this and thank you to everyone I've met in college

Made my freshman year one to remember

F

Sometimes I question whether you can go without talking to me

Most days it feels like you can't

You literally message me every couple minutes or every hour

Sometimes I'm okay with it, other times I want you to stop

You always rely on me being there to talk to you and I hate it

G

Maybe I'm falling for someone new

Maybe my thoughts are finally evolving and I'm truly not the girl I once was

Maybe I'm finally moving away from people that I know are going to hurt me

But either way, it's only a small crush

I don't want to get my hopes up

I refuse to acknowledge anything towards you unless I know you feel the same way towards me

I'm praying you still do

Because you're really cute and fun and interesting

I miss that

I wish we hung out more, because I would've realized this sooner

You're an amazing guy and I really want to see you more

Please still have these feelings you said you had for me

Please

I'm getting back into writing, so this IS NOT my best work, but it's something that was put together because I was alone with myself and my thoughts. Basically, what all of this means is that I am who I am. I've been searching for someone who is everyone else's idea of who I am when that's not me.

I'm a weird, crazy, shy, introverted, flirty, funny, Dominican girl from Brooklyn. I'm not going to apologize for who I am, I'm not going to apologize for the actions that I deem as right, I'm not going to apologize for doing things that make me happy. If people want to go ahead and twist my words around and they want to play victim then I'll let them do that, but that doesn't represent anything of who I am, that shows more about them than it ever will about me.

I'm tired of being nice and trying to please everyone. I'm tired of putting myself in the backseat because everyone else always has a problem that they think is more important than anything else going on in someone else's life.

To all of my readers out there, these writings are me. I'm an over-thinker, I get anxiety, I get depressed. I'm human just like you, and I want you guys to know it's okay to struggle to find out who you are and who you want to be. I'm still fighting to be the person I want.

I know who I currently am and who I want to be and that's all that matters. If any of you ever need to talk please email me, or message me on Instagram. If you guys want to know my opinions on things, I'll write a post about that too if I can come up with a long enough explanation.

** P.S. I know this post was supposed to come out months ago but I've been on a crazy roller coaster in the last 2 months. I hope you all understand. And since I'm on Summer break I'm going to be writing more on days I'm not working to try and upload more content for all of you. **