20 I's

Is this all to my life? Tense pain, and anger boiling from not performing.

They tell me to hold on, wait on it, everything will work out for my life.

It gets to a point where I can't do it any longer. I am not willing.

I am not willing to even open up, and try. I can't fail again.

I have an hour long conversation with my spirit guides and ancestors.

I have no lover any longer. And my love was a lie. All of my attempts have

led to no community, no love, no friend that wants me to be at their

wedding, no success in the hardest courses, no mentor, no one to hold.

So, I hold my teddy bear, just as if I was a child. I am 21 old enough, to

drink, vote, go to bars, start my life. But, what if no company wants to

start with me? What if nobody wants to spend their life with me?

I can see my future as vague words, of goals with no realism.

I can see my peers elevating and myself staying in the same place.

I can feel small bits of healing from the past, but the pain lingers.

The missing feels like suffering, I suffer without connection.

I suffer without being put first. I suffer when I want to scream.

I suffer when I sit alone, on the right sight of my college couch.

I type, and pray that someone reads and cares. Someone will see, and say:

"Hey, I see something in you, I choose you, lets explore this together."