19, 21, 25

The banter

The sex

The pretending to do drugs

The very real alcohol

And where was the rock and roll?

But in the back pocket of the

Back of my mind,

What was I wearing?

What did I just do?

Who did I just do?

Well, this the life, right?

Sneaking out coldly climbing

Over warm bodies

Still wearing yesterday’s makeup

Nearly late for another long shift

Of serving questionable food to even

More questionable customers

And here I am, wearing and apron, questioning myself,

Kinda, sorta - not enough to stop me,

Actually, I quit! I’m Moving on, to bigger and better things,

Like retail - damn,

Whatever, it’ll do, for now,

Different banter,

Disappointing sex,

Pretending to quit the drugs I pretended I had done,

Much more alcohol,

Rock and roll replaced by debt and online classes,

Do I get paid this week?

Did even I pay rent this month?

Can I even pay rent this month?

Clocking out boldly giving the finger

To a cowardly company

Still wearing yesterday’s makeup

Never late for happy hour full

Of cheap shady drinks from an even

Cheaper and shadier bartender

And here I am, three shots in, selling myself short,

Kinda, sorta - not enough to break me

Actually, I’m outta here! I’m moving on, to bigger and better things,

Like the next town over - shit,

Whatever, it’s new for for now,

No banter,

No sex,

No pretending,

Better alcohol,

Indie, alternative, hip-hop,

Outdated classes, consolidated debt,

My car died,

My father died,

My personality committed suicide,

Losing my sanity and gaining perspective

Yesterday’s makeup drips from my face

Never late on my own time

Growing up on my own dime

And here I am scared as hell of the consequences

Kinda, sorta - not enough to hold back

Actually, fuck this! I’m moving on, to bigger and better things

I’m packing my car as we speak,

Full of anything that will fit inside, and leaving the rest behind,

Whatever it takes to live my life,

To find myself, to give it all some kind of purpose,

Any kind of purpose besides the mundane cycles

I’m taught to exist in,

I don’t care where this road takes me, as long as it’s somewhere

Far, because I won’t slow down for a while,

I don’t know what I’m looking for but

I’m sure my gut will tell me when I find it,

I’ll cross this whole damn country if I have to,

Because it finally hit me,

I don’t HAVE to do anything,

Just so long as it’s something