Infatuation. Lust. Love. Those three words, the three stages of my feelings for you.
I was at a party that night. You were probably at home, almost 1000 miles away.
That Cactus App gave me luck—I received over 1000 requests that night.
You were one of them.
I had hundreds of messages.
You were one of them.
I replied to twenty.
You were one of them.
We talked that night, and the next.
I was taken, and unlike everybody else (including myself), you respected that.
We stopped talking.
I forgot you.
I'm sure you forgot me, too.
That was fine.
I was taken.
I didn't love her.
How can you feel something you've never seen or felt?
I left her because of my demons.
You messaged me later.
"Hey."
Your demons didn't kill mine
Nor did they call them.
Yours danced with mine;
In circles and twirls that made me too dizzy to stand.
We talked.
We lusted.
And I was spinning so fast that I continued falling.
Half the time my demons led me to believe you weren't catching me
Photos and messages and promises of better days
You were different,
And I was hitting rock bottom.
I graduated, I got back with her.
All because my demons were paranoid and were whispering that you were using me
That I didn't deserve you
And above all,
You would indirectly and unknowingly cause my disrespect
I cut off whatever it was that we had.
We both built our walls.
I still didn't love her.
I was thinking about you...
... but I wasn't thinking about her.
I broke it off with her, again
It hurt her, but it did not hurt me.
It did save future hurt, though.
Months passed.
I tore down my walls, one by one.
I didn't want anything with anyone.
I was focusing on myself.
Letting go of grudges and tearing down every wall I made.
I gave you the chance to re-enter my life.
You took it.
You were heartbroken, and just like you respected me so long ago, I respected you.
Then you spoke to me for the first time in a long time
(I almost had a heart attack)
You messaged first, I responded
Barely scraping the surface at first, but then going deeper.
Then we stopped, and that's when I realized:
I truly wasn't looking for love, until I found you.
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