The Day I Wanted to Go

The day I wanted to leave

It was a day much like the rest

I woke, showered and worked

Nothing seemed out of the normal

It was upon returning home

I felt a cloud looming over my head

The darkness encampturing

This storm of irrational thoughts

I had nowhere to run and nowhere to hide

My head was pounding this agonizing pain

My body ached with wounds

My eyes soaked with tears

Yet my heart was numb

I felt nothing.

I laid in bed and let the tears puddle the sheets

Laying naked I felt the weight of the world on my body

My lips trembled in fear

And my mind was being taken over by the devil

I began plotting how I would go

How I would rest by the beach

Fall asleep to the sound of waves

The peace of the ocean raising me up to the gates

I started wondering what I would tell everyone

How I would make my escape?

Who would be the one to find me?

What questions would be asked?

Who would be blamed? Me?

My brain taunted me to get on with it

To end the suffering that I longed to end

Yet something tugged back

What once felt numb, was now fighting for me

My friends, family, my partner

They would find me weak

Find me selfish,

“How could she do this?”

This was something I could never be known as

I want to be brave, strong and kind

Not weak, not selfish, not cowardly

I wanted to be alive.