Keeping Score

You get what you expect, why does this disappoint you? You convinced yourself it was a band-aid situation and it will only hurt for a little while. You are still waiting for the sting to subside; just a little while longer; a little longer still. You were not ready for this and you are only just realising this will always be the case. You will never be ready.

You've given up on ever changing and you pause only to rewind. Pause. Rewind. You wonder if you'll ever find the ending, or learn to fast forward through the bits you've seen before. You are weary of watching and watchful of wearily reciting the lines before they begin. You know what's going to happen, but you continue to pick apart each scene like a broken memory— praying for the gift of hind sight that never comes— and only with the lack of regret do you realise this is in vain.

You just wanted to know there was something other than this. It didn't matter what it was, you weren't asking for something better... you just wanted to know there was something else. You cannot blame him, he's just a man and I should know better.

I am waiting to understand why I do and undo. I am waiting to understand you. Chalking everything up to experience and "we'll call this a lesson learned."

You gave up a long time ago, but you still give them the chance to disappoint you— all the while pretending you're waiting for that perfect score of failures, but secretly you're waiting for someone to prove you wrong. You will always be waiting, you will never be ready.