I'm Sorry

When I was a kid...

I never spoke up

About the bullying and torture

I endured on a daily basis

Because I was afraid

Nobody would listen

Or that I would be reminded

That sticks and stones

Will break my bones

But words? No

Words were just air with sound

Unable to hurt or break me...

But they did...

Maybe only a little at a time

But a lot in the long run

Because every time I'd sew myself up

The stitches would be

Ripped out again

Over and over

Until the cracks started to connect

Or until the broken pieces

Started falling out

I've tried to put myself back together

But every time,

the pieces would be all out of place

And still are to this day...

So please, forgive me

When I act like a child,

Tear myself down,

Bite my nails,

Pick at my face,

Or even pull out my hair

One at a time...

I'm just trying to dig deep inside

To find my blueprints

So I can piece myself back up

The right way again.

I know it's not healthy

But it's the only thing I know to do

Because I don't know anything

Else that works.

And I know you're

Just trying to help,

But that's not working either.

And yes, I say sorry a lot

But that's because all the pain,

All the torture,

Has led me to believe

That I was always messing up,

Always doing something wrong

In order to receive

So much hate and anger

Led to believe

That being fat and stupid

Were inexcusable traits

For my existence...

So yes, I apologize a lot

And I know why

But I don't know how to stop...

Don't know if I ever will.

So please bear with me for a while

I'm still trying

To piece myself back together

Still trying to get back

To that wild, vibrant, and happy

Girl I used to be

While also trying to be

The strong and independent woman

I know I can be.

I'm trying...

Even if it doesn't show.

Because my battle isn't on the outside

It's within.

Inside these walls

That can barely hold me together

I battle myself day after day

Constantly arguing with

And trying to silence

Every belittling and hateful word

That I'd grown to accept as the norm.

Grown to accept

As a secondary name for my peers

That became more used

Than the real one.

And please forgive me for trading

Possible family time

For spending hours with my friend

Whom I talk to on a daily basis...

He's just easier to talk to

Easier to express my feelings to

Because expressing myself to you

Feels like I'm diminishing the pain

And torture that you've gone through

Because I've been told

Many times in my life that,

"Other people have it worse than you"

Which is why I still feel awkward

When I express to my friend

The problems in my life.

But I always find comfort in his eyes.

Always find tropical islands

And clear blue skies

That I can escape to

Instead of a made up world

Where my outside look is better

But the inside is just as fucked up...

If not worse.

But he understands me,

Every little bit.

And helps me with all the shit

That goes on in my head...

So yes, I'm going to find comfort

In talking to him

And seeing him every day.

So please, hear me out when I say

That I am trying

Harder than it seems...

I'm trying to find a way out

A way to fix myself...

Just bear with me...

I'll get there...