I'm Fine
But I'm not. And I'm only Day Three in University.
You ask me how I’m doing. What a stupid question. Because I sink and I sink and I sink in my hole of what I am. I’m not doing. I’m not. Not anything at all. But what do I say? I say I’m fine.
Mum, I’m NOT fine. I’m depressed and I don’t want to shower and I want to do everything and talk to everyone but I want to ignore the world because I stink and my room is a mess. I’m falling falling falling and I feel behind on school even though it just started yesterday. I’m taking on too much and too little at the same time. I’m overwhelmed and I’m screaming. Screaming. SCREAMING.
I’m fine.
Yes, Dad. Sure. I’m fine. Uh-huh. It hurts that you and Mum believe this. I know, you can’t read minds. But I’m your daughter. Shouldn’t you be able to read my mind? Shouldn’t you know that my hair is greasy and knotted, that I haven’t brushed in days, and to avoid brushing hair, I put it up in a messy bun, and to avoid brushing teeth, I hid the toothpaste? You see me every once in awhile, even though I’m now an hour away in uni. Why don’t you know? Why can’t you see, in the dozens of phone calls every day when I call, that I am scared? Desperate? I’m overwhelmed and I’m screaming. Screaming. SCREAMING.
I’m fine.
I am. Really. I just can’t breathe. I’m terrified of tomorrow, and of people, and of the air. My panic attack comes on stronger than ever, and I’m a mess. But I know the truth. I’m not fine. I’m overwhelmed and I’m screaming. Screaming. SCREAMING.
But still.
I’m fine.
About the Creator
Althea Luce
I'm currently working at being the best I can be. That includes writing and dusting off my violin, but mostly writing. Enjoy!
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